


Inked Symbolism

by ArisHawthorne



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Hide Week, M/M, asexual!Hide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-24
Updated: 2015-08-31
Packaged: 2018-04-17 01:29:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4647225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArisHawthorne/pseuds/ArisHawthorne
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompts for Hide week told through tattoos.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ace of Spades

Hide got his first tattoo when he was eighteen and it was the first of many that would eventually take up residence on every inch of skin on his right arm. It was the summer before college when he and his mother took a vacation to England and Hide felt a little upset that Kaneki couldn’t be there with him when he got it. Kaneki knew of his future intentions to get inked and knew of every small reasoning behind the things he wanted.

  
It would be a lie if he didn’t admit that he was scared, but no pain no gain right? It was a good kind of fear that spiked up his adrenaline.

  
“Where did you want this?” The tattoo artist drew up the coloured sketch and held it up for Hide to see. Hide was still learning English, but the question was basic enough to understand. With his left hand he reached up to his right deltoid.

  
“H-here,” he replied. His mother was leaning up against the counter, shaking her head as she looked away when the sketch was pressed up against his upper arm. He was lucky that his mother was letting him do this. She  _hated_  tattoos. It took a great deal of convincing, but she finally gave him a reluctant okay so he could get it while they were in England (where he was of legal age).

  
As much as she hated the idea of Hide “screwing up” his unmarred skin, she knew why Hide was getting that one in particular. It represented a part of himself that he finally accepted after _years_  of doubt and hurt; the part of him that used to believe was broken and too different for people to understand.

  
The paper was peeled away, leaving behind an imprint of what was soon to be a permanent work of art that Hide would carry around forever.

  
“It’s-” His voice got choked up as he looked down at it; the ace of spades card that tilted to the right, with the blossoming purple amaryllis flower next to it. He couldn’t help but smile. “ _Beautiful_.” The tattoo artist looked over at him with concern, but it turned into a returned smile as he reached for the tattoo gun.

  
“I’m going to start with the card first-” He enunciated the words slowly so Hide could pick up on what he was saying easier; gesturing to the gun and then to the card. “I’ll shade the flower next. I want to make the flower vibrant and striking.” Hide couldn’t help but to furrow his brows at some of the words, but understood most of what was being said.

  
“Card… first,” he repeated with a small nod. “Flower… after.” The tattoo artist nodded, leaning back in his chair so he could dip the tip of the needle into the ink. “…Now?”

  
Another nod followed his question and brown eyes wandered over to where his mother was standing. He reached a hand out toward her as he offered her a look of pleading desperation. She was there for a reason… he asked her to come along so he wouldn’t have to deal with the pain alone. She let out a small sigh, but made sure to offer her son a reassuring look. They intertwined their fingers together and gave him a gentle squeeze.

  
“Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked him, lowering her tone as the tattoo artist made sure he was all set up. “You don’t have to scar up your body to prove a point.”

  
“I’m  _not_  scarring up my body,” Hide countered, turning to look down at the picture on his arm again. “It’s my reminder.”

  
“Reminder of what?”

  
“That… I can love all the parts of myself without having to be afraid of it; that I don’t have to hate something that I just didn’t understand at first. That…  _that_  part of me can be beautiful, too.”

* * *

“I missed you!” Hide exclaimed throwing his arms around the shorter male when Kaneki opened the door to his new apartment. Ken let out a small sound of shock as he was practically knocked to the ground by the sheer force of Hide’s tacklehug. “Dude… England was  _so_ cool! I brought you back a bunch of stuff and have so many pictures to show you!” Kaneki chuckled softly, melting into Hide’s embrace. The blonde pressed a small peck to Ken’s forehead in apology for almost sending them to the floor just moments prior.

  
“I missed you too, Dork.” When they pulled away, Kaneki opened the door a little wider and stepped over to the side. “Come in and tell me all about it.”

  
“Oh I will… I will give you the day by day retelling of my adventures through the London streets.” Hide added a dramatic tone to his voice as he passed Kaneki to get inside the apartment and flop down on the couch. “Oh! But first… look at  _this_!”

  
Hide took of his sweatshirt and flung it to the side as Kaneki sat down beside him, letting the curiosity set in as the blonde pushed his short sleeve up to reveal the tattoo underneath.

 

“Oh wow…” Kaneki lifted a hand to gently brush against the skin. He tried to hold back a little cringe at the rougher surface; Hide was obviously still healing from it.

  
“It didn’t really hurt as bad as I thought it would… the aftercare isn’t too bad either. I just have to wash it with antibacterial soap twice a day and put coco butter on it.”

 

“It’s beautiful, Hide. I’m happy you were finally able to get it.” Leaning toward the coloured skin, Kaneki placed a gentle kiss to the surface before reaching up to leave one on Hide’s lips. The blonde reached up with his other hand to card it through Kaneki’s raven locks, deepening the contact between them. Once they pulled away Kaneki looked him in the eyes. A light pink dusted his cheeks as he reached a hand up to caress the side of Hide’s face. “Just as beautiful as you.”


	2. Rabbit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gotta go through some sad things before we reach a happy chapter. Sorry for all the feels, guys! <3

The plans for his next tattoo fell through when Kaneki went missing around his 20th birthday.

 

  
They were supposed to get rabbits when Kaneki was of legal age; one on each of them. Hide already made out a small sketch of where he wanted it in accordance with the one he already had and the ones he planned to get later. It was going to be black to match Kaneki’s hair color because that's what the rabbit represented. Hide would never be lonely because carrying around that piece was like carrying around Ken. All he would have to do is look down at his arm and know that Kaneki wasn’t  _ really  _ too far away.

  
  


At least in spirit.

  
  


Kaneki used to very seldomly talk about the one he wanted; just that he needed it placed somewhere discreet and that it would have blonde fur. 

  
  


...Then he got into that accident with the female ghoul and Kaneki dropped off the face of the planet. Calls went to voicemail. The door went unanswered. The one time Kaneki did reach out to him for asian history notes he wasn’t in his apartment when Hide went to drop them off. Finding out what was wrong the way he did didn’t help matters because Kaneki needed to come to him on his own; being turned into a ghoul wasn’t something that people could just blurt out.

  
  


Hide understood that. He waited, but Kaneki never came to him. Nothing slipped back into any form of normalcy and Hide hated that. Since when did Kaneki not trust him, or feel like he could be that one person he could confide in?

  
  


Were they even still together?

  
  


“ _ I can’t do this anymore, Kaneki _ .” When Hide finally reached his breaking point, he called. It didn’t feel like he was worth Kaneki’s attention anymore, and hearing Ken’s voice crack on the phone hurt even worse. “ _ I barely ever see you anymore…” _

  
  


“ _ Hide… Hide no. Please. Don’t- _ ”  Kaneki’s voice quivered. 

  
  


“ _ Why can’t you just talk to me... _ really _ talk to me _ ?” Hide wiped his eyes of the unshed tears and then jumped at the sound of a soft knock on his door. 

 

  
“ _ Let me in _ , please.”  Kaneki barely had time to disconnect the call before the door was flung open and he was enveloped into Hide’s warm embrace, shuddering against Hide. “ _ I’m so so sorry. It was never my intention to hurt you or-” _

 

  
“ _ I need you _ ,” Hide admitted, guilty over the fact that Kaneki was sobbing into his chest. “ _ Please just… I don’t want to be on the outside looking in anymore _ .”

  
  


But that was all he’d ever be and Hide realised that when Kaneki brushed everything off claiming that he just got too busy between work and school. It was made even more clear when Kaneki’s 20th birthday came by; their tattooing plans long and forgotten by the onslaught of the Aogiri Raid. 

  
  


It would be a lie to say that Kaneki was missing like all the posters said. 

  
  


No. Kaneki didn’t want to be  _ found _ . He vanished without a trace and left Hide by himself.

  
  


Alone. 

  
  


Hide barely focused on the miniscule pain being imprinted into the outside of his lower arm, and tried to focus on the pleasantries that Kaneki brought him instead.

  
  


“ _ I love you, Hide _ . ”  _ They were both seated on the couch in front of the TV a few months after Hide got back from England. Kaneki wrapped his arms around Hide’s torso, pulling him close. Hide couldn’t help but to feel shocked; he never expected Kaneki to be the first person to say the L word. _

  
  


“ _Really?” Gripping Kaneki’s shoulders, the blonde pulled them both apart so he could look Kaneki in the eyes with a huge grin practically spread ear to ear. The raven haired male was blushing but returned the eye contact with newfound confidence._

  
  


“ _I have for a long time now.” Kaneki smiled and let Hide reach to capture his lips into a heated kiss. His heartbeat pulsed loud enough where Hide could feel it throughout his entire body out of sheer blissed out happiness. He relished in the feel of Kaneki’s soft lips against his own and pulling away from him was hard. They both rested their foreheads against each other; the closeness was addicting._

  
  


“ _I love you too,” Hide breathed, placing a chaste kiss to the tip of Kaneki’s nose._

  
  


“Alright, I’m done.” The tattoo artist pulled Hide from the memory, which blurred out the entire tattooing process. “Are you sure you want something so simple? I can colour it in… make it really stand out.”

  
  


Brown eyes drifted down to the area that was freshly inked. It was a rabbit, but not the one he originally wanted. There was no color added; no black to match the colour of Kaneki’s hair. It was just an outline; the side of the animal which didn’t take up a huge amount of skin. 

  
  


“It’s fine. This is what I wanted.” He offered a thumbs up as he dug into his pocket for the money that was owed. “Thank you!”

  
  


Later that night while Hide was washing the soap off the tattoo, he found himself wanting to cry again.

  
  


The rabbit was empty because Hide was  _ empty _ . Kaneki wasn’t always there like he originally thought.

  
  


Hide was the rabbit that would die of loneliness. 

 


	3. Sun

It was about two months after he started working for the CCG that Hide started drawing up plans for his next tattoo.

  
It would be another reminder to himself because days were dark and gloomy without Kaneki around. It consisted of many days behind a mask of happiness when he was around other people, but when he was by himself… where could he seek out that happiness?

  
At first he tried dating, but after a few failed attempts the blonde realized that the issue wasn’t his loneliness. It was true that he was a people person and that surrounding himself with colleagues from the CCG and college students dulled the pain that still existed in him.

  
The issue existed within himself. One shouldn’t be so dependent on others to bring up his mood that would only come crashing down once he came back to his empty apartment. He could remember when he met Kaneki; when he moved away from all those friends back in his hometown when he moved to Tokyo. Hide was desperate for someone to talk to and confide in… someone that would really listen to him. After years of having Kaneki as a rock that he could depend on… it was hard to remember how to exist without that dependence on others.

  
Hide needed to learn how to become his own shining light.

* * *

 

“I need an opinion,” Hide told the tattoo artist. “Originally, I wanted to get a bunch of things tattooed onto this arm and eventually make it into a sleeve… but I think this one needs to stand on it’s own.”

  
The two tattoos that existed on his right arm held significance to Kaneki in some way, shape, or form. Kaneki helped him accept himself for every part of him: the card and amaryllis flower. Kaneki left him feeling empty and alone; the colourless rabbit.

  
Kaneki had no part in his reasoning for the next tattoo and it was better if he could keep it separated.

  
“What exactly do you want for your next tattoo?”

  
“Something like this?” Hide reached into his pocket and pulled out the printed off page. “I want it to have more vibrancy though. Maybe more shading so it looks like it’s radiating light even beyond the rays?”

  
“I can do that. I would say that… if this is a piece that could eventually connect to another piece… I would make another sleeve.” The artist placed the paper face out against Hide’s left deltoid. “Let what ever story you’re trying to tell linger down your arm.”

  
“What if the story isn’t that…”  _Descriptive? Complete? Enough to fill his entire arm?_

  
“Make a story then.”

  
He gave the other male time to come up with an more elaborate sketch then what Hide presented to him and took that time to look through his phone.

  
There was a bit of hesitation when he passed by the folder that held all of Kaneki’s text messages. They should have been deleted a long time ago, but he didn’t have the heart to let them go. It was hard enough trying to move on without him. He fought the urge to open the folder and skim through all their old chat logs; memories of smaller things like plans to hang out to big things like their plans for the future.

  
They had so many of those… but now Hide had the freedom to make a new plan. He had the potential to do all kinds of things. He could open a music store, or find a job that involved traveling the world. Why did he need to stay in Tokyo?

  
“It’s going to be bigger than what you brought in.” The sketch was held up so Hide could see it. “It’ll center will definitely take up this entire chunk-” He made a circular motion around Hide’s deltoid. “And the rays and actual coloring will branch out from there. Unless you want something different… it is  _your_  tattoo, after all.”

  
“I like it…” Hide offered a huge grin as he leaned back in the chair. “Go ahead dude, tat me up!”

* * *

 

  
“Ow! What was that for, Seidou-saaaaaaaan?” The honorific was dragged out by a loud groan as Hide placed a protective hand over his now throbbing tattoo. Why did Takizawa have to bump into his arm so harshly? “I just got it done yesterday and it still hurts!”

 

“Why would you pay all that money to damage your body?” Takizawa peered at him from behind the computer screen after he sat down at his desk. “That’s all tattoos are. Not to mention that they’re quite unprofessional.”

  
“Sorry I didn’t ask you first, Mom,” Hide quipped, moving over so he could peer over the investigator’s shoulder. He expected to find something involving their current movement of their higher sought out ghouls, but one of the names that was listed made his heart stop.

  
Eyepatch.

  
“Curious?” Seidou asked, looking at the blonde over his shoulder. “I probably shouldn’t let you do this so often… it’s pretty confidential information.”

  
“But you feed my interests, Seidou-san.” Hide scratched at his cheek lightly, standing upright so he wouldn’t appear suspicious. “It’s on the news all the time and I work here… it all gets awfully interesting after a while.”

  
“...Why don’t you see about becoming an investigator then?” Takizawa spun the computer chair around to look at his gopher. “I could put in a good word for you, and the training isn’t really that hard.”

  
At first, Hide was going to speak against it. but then stopped himself before giving Seidou a denial.

  
It would occupy his time and give him something to focus on.

  
It could even help him find  _Kaneki_  and even if it didn’t… Hide was trying to focus on helping himself, right? Needed to be his own light. His own  _sun_ , just like the tattoo.

  
“Tell me more.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so late! :x
> 
> So I wanted to write a few chapters that don't really dive in too deep with the ship and focus more on Hide as an individual person. I hope that I really displayed that in this chapter.


	4. Music

Music was always a big part of Hide’s life. One of his earliest memories from when he was a kid was receiving a CD player along with a few disks of the current popular music of that time. Whenever he could find a spare moment to drown out the silence of the apartment while he worked on homework or spent hours on the internet, he played his radio. It became a passion that was so strong it could rival Kaneki’s love for books.

  
As he got older, his change in music only expanded, and the devices he used changed. Hide liked the idea of his music being mobile when he bought his new phone that stored all of the MP3 files. It became a form of comfort because listening through his orange headphones always seemed to help him through the hard stuff when Kaneki couldn’t.

  
He drummed his pen against the desk in front of him to the song that was playing; he let it ease the oncoming frustration as he tried to memorize the contents of the page in front of him. The Academy liked to use trick questions on their tests and Hide already fell for quite a few of them already.

  
“Gah!” He whined as he pushed the study guide away from him.  _If I have to memorize one more method of ghoul hunting my brain is going to explode!_

  
As if on queue, the music faded in his ears allowing his phone to play his ringtone and vibrate against the desk. He accepted the call, cringing at the loud background noise.

  
“How’s the studying going,  _Messenger_?” There’s a small hint of a tease in the tone of voice and Hide grinned.

  
“It’s as terrible as you probably remember it being, Seidou-san.” The blonde lets out a chuckle. “Leave it to you to make me go through the same painstaking torture that is  _the_  CCG Academy. To think I have to suffer through three years of this  _and_  college on top of it.”

  
“Just be happy that I got your foot in the door,” Takizawa replied. “Plus if you need any help I’m more than willing to become your study buddy.. well… only if you can do me a small favor.”

  
“Favor?”  _I’ll do anything to get me out of sitting at this desk any longer._

  
“I need a wingman. There’s a girl I’m trying to impress at work and a few of our coworkers are holding a get together tonight. I just need someone that can… I don’t know, I just need someone to be there so I don’t screw anything up.”

  
“What about Amon-san?” It wasn’t that he was trying to get out of going; the idea of a bunch of drunk investigators actually letting loose was definitely entertaining. It seemed odd that Takizawa wouldn’t ask somebody who he worked  _closely_  with.

  
“I… can’t.”

  
“Why not?”

  
“I think he likes her, too.” Takizawa’s voice dropped in volume once he reached the middle of his statement. Hide couldn’t say no, not when his employer seemed to really need him for this.

  
“Count me in!” Hide replied after a few silent beats. “Text me when you wanna meet up and I’ll be the coolest wingman around.”

* * *

  
Being a wingman  _sucked_.

  
To start with, the little get together with the other investigators was far from  _little_. It was at a club with blaring music and a dance floor that was overcrowded with people. Then the girl (whoever it was) that Seidou had his sights set on didn’t bother to show up which made him very broody. Broody didn’t mix well with alcohol and toward the middle of the night Seidou spent a decent amount of time hugging the toilet bowl in the bathroom. Hide figured that the brunette probably needed a moment to himself and moved over to the DJ booth to request a few songs.

  
“Ah. A fan of the classics, huh?” The DJ flashed him a toothy grin as he went through the files on his laptop.

  
“Something like that,” Hide replied, voice straining from having to yell all of his answers over the loud sound that radiated from the speakers. He returned the gesture. “I’m a huge fan of music… always have been!”

  
The blonde’s response must have impressed the DJ, who gestured with a finger for Hide to come into his domain. He had to be careful not to trip over all the wires that were connected to the booth. Once he got behind it and was able to look out onto the dance floor his adrenaline picked up.

  
“This is so cool!” Hide exclaimed, turning to the other male who… was really  _attractive_ ; brown hair in a messy heap on top of his head, brown eyes that seemed to glimmer with just as much excitement as Hide  _felt_.

  
It was the first time Hide felt like he could swoon over someone since-

  
_No, don’t think about him._

  
“Have you ever been behind a DJ booth before?” A new song started to pulse through the speakers and it pulsed against Hide’s skin; it felt like it was part of him. He could feel all the vibrations as they moved around him; it was incredible.

  
“Never! It’s so awesome that you get to do this as your  _job_!”

  
“It’s barely a job!” The DJ handed Hide a pair of black headphones, motioning with his own on how to wear them. “If your career involves something you love, then you’ll never look at it as a _job_. Food for thought, huh?”

  
“Yeah…” His cheeks ached from how much he was smiling at the other male. When was the last time he smiled that much? “Why do you wear the headphones like that?”

  
“It’s so you can preview the next track… which is the song you picked out.” The DJ threw him a wink and waited for Hide to adjust the headphones between his ear and shoulder before extending the blonde his arm. “I’m Daiki, by the way!”

  
“Hide!” The blonde replied, reaching to take Daiki’s hand in his. “Thanks for this… this is the coolest thing I’ve probably ever done!”

* * *

  
After awhile of practically living a dream Hide excused himself to check on Seidou, who was still hunched over the toilet bowl in the men’s bathroom.

  
“I drank too muuuuch!” Seidou said, voice low and hoarse as he let out another dry heave. “I’m never doing this again.” Hide walked over and placed a reassuring hand on the investigator’s arm. His back, hair, and face were drenched with sweat. If that wasn’t worrying enough, he was also pale and couldn’t stop himself from shivering.

  
“I’m gonna call you a cab… we need to get you back home.” He reached into his pocket for his cellphone which set in an immediate panic when he realized it wasn’t there. “Crap. Hey go wait outside for me, okay? I think I left my phone at the DJ booth.” The blonde didn’t have to walk too far because once he opened the door he noticed Daiki standing against the opposing wall, holding the phone in his hands displaying it to Hide.

  
“Forgot something?” A playful smirk rested on the DJ’s lips as he tossed Hide the cell phone. “My shift ended and I found it while I was packing up.”

  
“Y-yeah. Thanks man.” Hide held a breath as Daiki took a few graceful strides over to him. He couldn’t help but feel blindsided by the few seconds that passed after that; his mind had an issue registering the gentle thumb brushing against his cheekbone, or the soft lips that pressed against his own. Daiki was kissing him and actually acknowledged him as something other than a fanboy who practically nerded out with him about a half an hour ago.

  
“My number is in your phone,” Daiki commented smiling against the blonde’s lips. “I hope to hear from you again, Hide.”

* * *

  
“Another tattoo? Man you’re hopeless.” Seidou shook his head at the blonde as he eyed the newly inked wrist that was being displayed to him as he held out the envelope to the investigator.

  
“Two actually,” Hide remarked, holding out the other for Takizawa to see. Both wrists were marked with music notes on scales. It was bound to happen; Hide getting a music related tattoo, but he never knew what to get. How could he display not only to himself but to others how much that aspect of his life meant to him? How could he when he could barely put it into words half the time?

  
“Are the notes from an actual song?” the brunette asked, raising a brow. Hide nodded with a grin remembering how both songs pulsed through him that night while he was CO-DJing to at least a couple hundred people. That feeling of the music moving around him made Hide remember just how much music meant to him.

  
It reminded him that music would always be a part of him and Hide had Daiki to thank for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaneki is coming back for the next chapter. Brace yourselves, the feels are coming.


	5. Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was SO hard writing this chapter, but I wanted there to be a theme within the love theme? If that makes any sense? This chapter reads really closely with the next two and I apologize for all the sads.

Love is and always will be a complex thing.

  
There was so many different kinds of love, ranging from care, familial love, and then there was _that_  love. It was the kind that made you feel weak at the knees; the kind that made you happy just thinking about the other person. Maybe Hide experienced that before because it would be a lie to say that he didn’t love Kaneki, but with Daiki it was so much  _more_. It was new. Just Daiki’s smile alone made Hide feel powerful, comfortable, protected and cared for.

  
People always say that you don’t know a person until you move in with them, but after about a year of dating their bond only grew stronger. It wasn’t until after one of Daiki’s shifts where he came home smelling like cigarettes and nightlife that Hide knew his feelings were reciprocated.

  
“Would it be strange if I told you that I was new to the… whole dating thing?” Daiki raised a cigarette to his lips as his hand trembled holding onto it. “I didn’t get a whole lot of opportunities to really do it growing up, but I’m really glad that I was able to do it all with you.” Hide smiled at that, wrapping his arms around him from behind.

  
“Me too.” The blonde reached up on his tip toes to place a chaste kiss on the back of his neck. Hide lucked out with Daiki;  _really_  lucked out. He didn’t know the reasons why the brunette didn’t date other people, but they obviously missed out on a great person.

  
_His_  person.

  
“Why are you trembling so bad?” Daiki shook in his embrace and Hide loosened his grip for Daiki to turn around in the hug. He let the taller male bury his face in his chest as he dropped the cigarette to the ground.

  
“Because… I don’t know… I never told anyone what I’m about to tell you.” Daiki let out a nervous laugh before he pulled away. His brown eyes bored into Hide’s and he could feel the intensity behind them. “Because I love you and you’re the first person I’ve ever felt this strongly about.”

  
“And that’s why you’re shaking?” Hide snickered before closing the distance between them once more. “You’re adorable and I love you too.”

  
“Hey now, I’m also shaking cause it happens to be cold as hell out here and I forgot my jacket inside.” Daiki pouted which made Hide let out a little chuckle before pecking him on the lips.

  
“Well lucky for you there’s a warm bed and a boyfriend that becomes a space heater while he’s sleeping. You’ll warm up in no time.”

* * *

 

The last thing Hide expected when he went into the CCG building for work was to see Takizawa standing outside the building. Something about the way the male hunched against the wall and the way his gaze seemed to be transfixed on the ground in front of him told Hide that something was wrong. He walked up to the investigator and stood next to him.

  
“I wrote out a testament today.” Seidou’s voice was completely monotone. A testament? But they only signed those when there was a chance that the investigators could lose their lives. “They’re taking up volunteers for this one… we’re going after the Owl.”

  
“I see.” But nothing was going to happen right? He worked with this people for so long… they would do their jobs and come back okay.

  
Right?

  
“They’re waiting inside for you… _Marude_  is waiting for you.”

  
_Marude_? He gave Seidou once last look of worry before passing through the doors to the CCG and made his way to Marude’s office.

  
If this happened a year ago Hide probably wouldn’t have been so nervous and the more Marude spoke to him about their intentions the more Hide’s breathing and heart beat quickened.

  
“You have potential. You’ve shown it to us when you came clean about placing that tracking device on Jason and even more so when you trained under Amon-san and Mado-san. I think you could really help us out with this case, Hideyoshi…” Maraude went on to explain how Hide wouldn’t be in the front lines, which should have been a relief if not for the fear that still nagged at him.

  
The target was Antieku. They were supposed to eliminate all of the ghouls there and they were important people in  _Kaneki_ ’s life. There was a strong possibility that Kaneki would interfere and try to save them.

  
Kaneki could die if Hide didn’t do something about it.

  
But what was there to do? He was supposed to be on the same side as the CCG and their ghoul is to eliminate them… not  _save_  them. The only thing he could really think to do was to tell someone the truth and everything he knew; that Kaneki Ken was relatively innocent and he didn’t deserve the punishment Hide knew they would try to inflict.

  
Hide went up and down the hallways of the building and finally came across the office of an investigator that he didn’t know very well but had a reputation of being the CCG’s Shinigami. No, how could someone known as the death god be understanding of-

  
“Oh… sorry.” Hide jumped when the door in front of him opened. Speak of the devil and he shall appear, right? “Do you need something?”

  
He didn’t answer. He couldn’t answer. The blonde was so taken aback by how soft spoken the older male was. Shouldn’t someone like Arima Kishou have a meaner appearance. A meaner voice? Colder eyes? This wasn’t the kind of person Hide expected.

  
“…Are you okay?” The white haired male looked down at him with concern.

  
“I have something to tell you.” His voice wavered with fear and uncertainty. “I need someone to help me.”

* * *

  
“I thought that you were still in  _training_!” When Hide got home he knew he had to tell Daiki what was going on; that even though he was basically on the sidelines there was a chance that Hide could end up dying. Like he expected his boyfriend wasn’t taking it well. “They can’t just… they can’t…  _dammit_  they can’t just send you out there!”

  
“I…” His hands fell into his lap along with his gaze. Daiki moved around the living room so much that he could probably create a permanent indented circle in the carpet. “I volunteered for this.”

  
“Why? So you can find and save your ex from death!” Shock pierced through the blonde and his next few words came out in a stutter.

  
“H-How did you- you know a-about-”

  
“Kaneki Ken?” Daiki let out a humorless, angered laugh. “It’s not like you were trying to hide all that stuff that you keep in our closet. I was trying to find my hats and found all your newspaper clippings and notes… they all had his name written on them. ‘Is this what Kaneki is doing now,’ and ‘Kaneki is the Eyepatch.’ I remember you talking about Kaneki Ken… the ex that left you. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together, Hide!”

  
Hide was stunned into silence. What could he really say; Daiki was right. The last thing the brunette deserved was to be lied to and Hide knew that not rebutting the argument was hurting him. Causing Daiki that kind of pain only made Hide feel guilty. Tears poured from the blonde’s eyes as he ran up to the other male and clung on tightly.

  
“I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if anything happened to him.” His words were muffled by Daiki’s chest and the cries that Hide couldn’t hold back. “I… I-”  _Feel sorry for Kaneki. No…I care about Kaneki? That’s part of it, but-”_

  
“Go on Hide. Say it. You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?” Daiki’s voice cracked and so did Hide’s heart.

  
“I’m not…  _in_  love with him, no.” Hide could feel Daiki’s fingers under his chin forcing him gently to look at his boyfriend. Looking into those eyes made him feel worse.

  
“But… you do love him.” When he didn’t receive an answer, Daiki stepped back and grabbed his keys.

  
“Daiki-”

  
“I’m going to go to work… I may crash at a friend’s house tonight.”

  
Everything around Hide seemed to move in slow motion as Daiki went out the door, but once he was sure that he was far enough away from the apartment Hide collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor.

  
He was alone again. Broken again. But nothing could hurt worse then the held back sob that Daiki released before the door shut behind him.

* * *

  
Two days later, Daiki came into the apartment and found Hide sitting in their room with a trashcan in front of him. The shoebox containing off all his Kaneki centered information was sitting beside him and Hide picked up every individual paper inside and ripped them. The remains fell slowly into the garbage which took up all of Hide’s remaining attention. He didn’t notice when the brunette walked into the room until he stood in front of the blonde.

 

“Daiki…?” The first and only thing Hide could feel was relief. Daiki never sent him a text or any form of communication to let him know that he was okay. Two days without knowing if Daiki was okay was  _torturous_. He moved to get up but was stilled by Daiki’s hands moving in front of him in a defensive pose.

  
“Don’t.” It was a hoarse and tired voice that escaped his boyfriend’s mouth that made Hide relax back into his previous position. “I… I’m not mad, okay? I can’t be angry at you for harboring feelings over your first love.”

  
“But I-”

  
“Please just listen to me… I want you to go find him. I want you to save him… after everything you went through you deserve to go find the person that makes you happy.”  _But that’s you Daiki_. Hide wanted to scream those words at him and fling his arms around him. “I love you enough to at least try understanding your feelings. It took a couple of days to realise it, but sometimes if you love someone you have to let them go.”

  
_Please… no._

  
“So I’m letting you go.”

* * *

  
The raid was chaos; it was gruesome and bloody and he could feel the tension filling the area Marude was in. It was even worse when Hide found a moment to slip away after Arima sent him a message through his phone with an address and a picture. It was hard to make out a face in the photo; it was hard to really see a  _human_  in it either.

  
It was hard to see a human in the mess of limbs that protruded from Kaneki’s back when Hide found him in person too. Something was wrong; he could tell from the way Kaneki couldn’t make sense of what he was saying. He knew that it was dangerous to confront him when he was so lost within his own mind.

  
“Yo Kaneki!” It was a miracle that he could make his voice sound so cheerful and upbeat when his heart was broken only a day ago. The blonde sauntered closer to his friend as he tried to fight back the overbearing need to reach out and hold the half ghoul. Being in close proximity with Ken was dangerous enough already, but it was still his friend. “What’s with the hair, Man? Is that what’s in style?

  
“H…Hide?” Whatever mental spell Kaneki was trying to push through, he seemed to still and come back to reality when he heard Hide’s voice. The white haired male was looking right at him and then started to move back shaking his head.

  
“No! This isn’t real! You can’t be here… it’s just a dream… this happens all the time. You’re not really  _here_!” Blood was spilling out from Kaneki’s torso.

  
_If he can find a way to impress me, I’ll take keeping him around into consideration._ Arima’s words were the only thing Hide could really count on, but in this condition Kaneki wasn’t going to impress anyone, much less the Shinigami of the CCG.

  
“You need to heal…” Hide rolled up the sleeve of his left arm and eyed the uninked skin on the inner limb. With a heaving breath, he moved that part of his arm close to Kaneki’s mouth. “You… you need to heal and fight with all you’ve got. Just one more time Kaneki… to prove yourself.”

  
He didn’t bite back a scream when Kaneki bit into the flesh that was offered to him.

* * *

  
The following week was hard to get through and most of it passed in a blur because of the heavy painkillers that were prescribed to him. The stitches were nothing; he could live with those. A lot of people said that a tattoo was basically just a scar right? Now he would have a real one.

  
People like Takizawa told him that…

          Takizawa was gone though. He wouldn’t be there to call him stupid for scarring up his skin again or getting that close to a ghoul.

  
If he didn’t have something to do Hide probably would have stayed away from the CCG building because passing by Seidou’s desk was hard. Hide spent a lot of days visiting the medical floor with Arima watching for any sign of consciousness from the body underneath all of the tubes and machines. When he knew there would be no change, Hide asked for some privacy with Kaneki. He let out every single ounce of hurt to the friend that left him.

  
“I have to go…” Hide said after a few minutes, placing a small kiss on the back of Kaneki’s hand. “You deserve so much more than what I can offer you and I hope they find a way to give it to you…”

_Sometimes if you love someone you have to let them go….and I’m finally letting you go._

  
“Until we meet again, Kaneki.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes... there is no tattoo in this chapter, but that is because this chapter and the next one tie together. -thumbs up;


	6. Alternate Universe + End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, Hide thought about the what ifs. What if Kaneki’s mom didn’t die from overworking herself? What would have happened if Kaneki never got attacked by a ghoul? What if it was him instead; what would have been different?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I merged the last two days together, but here it is! The end! I just wanted to thank broodyblue for the beta read and hideweek for creating such an awesome set of prompts and putting the whole thing together.

Sometimes, Hide thought about the what ifs. What if Kaneki’s mom didn’t die from overworking herself? What would have happened if Kaneki never got attacked by a ghoul? What if it was him instead; what would have been different?

  
He would like to think yes. Things would have been very different because regardless of whatever happened to Kaneki around his birthday, Hide never would have disappeared. He used to be so dependent on his friend that fading into obscurity would have been impossible. Hide used to care too much to let that happen.

  
It didn’t matter though; the what ifs and the possibilities that were already too far behind in the past to change now.

* * *

  
_From beneath the blankets and the arm holding him close to the body in front of him, Hide felt warm. A smile tugged at his lips when he could feel someone else’s lingering against his own._

  
“ _Good morning,” the soft voiced said in greeting, ending the sentence in a gentle kiss that Hide wanted more of._

  
“ _It certainly is with you here,” Hide responded, finally opening his eyes to the person beside him._

  
_The gray eyes… the black hair… it was happening right then and there but felt nostalgic somehow, like if he closed his eyes Kaneki would vanish. The blonde subconsciously tightened the embrace against the other male as he buried his face into Kaneki’s chest._

  
“ _You’re clingy this morning,” Kaneki noted. “Is everything okay?” The answer should have been obvious. Everything in the still of the moment was perfect; it was exactly what Hide wanted to wake up to. Even with that understanding… a feeling welled up inside him that something was wrong._

  
 _Nothing that was happening was_ okay _._

  
“ _I thought I was supposed to be the morning person,” Hide joked. “I’m the one that usually gets up early and has to wake you up.”_

  
“ _I thought I would surprise you.”_

  
It sounded distant, but the second Hide heard the sound of his alarm he clung onto Kaneki. It was an illusion. A figment of his imagination that the imagery his mind cooked up was just a dream. Hide slowly came back to the reality of the empty space next to him on the bed and the cold feeling that lingered there.

  
His perfect alternate reality would always just be a dream.

* * *

  
“That’s new.” Hide watched as the tattoo artist swiped a finger over the scar on his left arm with curiosity. He offered a shrug in reply as he handed the paper over to have it looked at. “I see you took my advice about creating a story with your tattoos.”

  
“They go hand in hand… I want the bird cage on my right arm.” Because he is the bird cage; the kind of person to hold on to somebody they love for as long as possible. “The birds that are flying away… I want them on my left arm.” Kaneki and Daiki both represented those birds that flew away from the cage.

  
“Interesting idea,” the tattoo artist noted before turning around to sketch it onto paper. “May I ask the reasoning behind it or is that too personal?”

  
“Because… if you love someone you should set them free. If they return, they’re yours. If not, then they never were.”

  
Kaneki and Daiki never were his, right?

* * *

  
**Two Years Later**

  
They gave him his very own desk along with a name plaque and a chair to call his own. It was a long road to get Hide to this point; a lot of late nights studying and cups of acidic coffee slung down his throat so he would stay awake. The reward was gratifying enough because he got to a milestone that he worked hard for… one that he never thought he’d actually get to.

  
Hideyoshi Nagachika was a CCG Investigator.

  
His partner was Akira Mado. Hide could help but breathe a sigh of relief over the fact that he’d be working with a familiar face. She was stern and no doubt hard to talk to, but familiar.

  
“Nagachika-san-” She strode over to his desk with a few folders and placed them onto his desk. “I’ll need these done before the end of the day. I’m sure somebody told you that you’ll probably be doing a lot of desk work before being allowed to actually go out and do serious cases…”

  
“Yep. Sure did.” He smiled up at her and took the stack into his hands. “I don’t mind it… you know I’ve seen the other side of this job before anyway.” She gave him a nod.

  
“I think you’ll do well as an investigator. I’ll check back in with you after lun-”

  
“Akira-san, I need your help with something!” Hide looked up at the male who ran into the room, and the moment he was met with a familiar pair of gray eyes he was stunned into silence.

  
He looked just like Kaneki; gray eyes, white hair that was topped with black. Once the clone was aware of Hide’s existence, he offered him a warm smile.

  
“Oh no, I hope I wasn’t interrupting anything! I’m sorry…” That  _smile._  How could he be a carbon copy of Kaneki?

  
“You weren’t. Hideyoshi is new to the CCG and I was just giving him some work to do.” Akira looked over at him with mask of voided emotion. “Hideyoshi this is Sasaki Haise. He’s a mentor to the Quinx Squad and a member of our squad too.” Kaneki’s twin…  _Sasaki Haise_ extended a hand to him. Hide took it within his grasp and they shook, but he still felt floored by everything. Akira walked away from the desk, leaving the two of them to get to know one another.

  
“You look like someone I know…” It sounded stupid coming out of his mouth, but maybe Haise could offer some kind of explanation. Haise gave him a questioning once over before that same smile returned to his face again.

  
“Is that a good thing… or…”

  
“It is! It’s a really good thing!” Hide blurted the words out so quickly that he barely had a chance to think over what he was going to say. Heat rose to his cheeks and Haise let out a snort of laughter.

  
“Glad to know someone approves of my  _charming_  good looks.”

  
It was more than just charming good looks. Haise embodied the happiness that Kaneki could never possess. There was a glow to his skin that Hide never seen before and it was captivating.

  
“Nagachika-san… I should probably go. I need to track Akira down again. It was very nice to meet you though. I look forward to working with you soon.”

  
He watched as Haise walked away, but he couldn’t stop himself from running after him and latching an arm onto the other male’s arm. His shirt sleeve rolled up and Haise glanced down at the artwork that covered his lower left arm.

  
“…That’s so strange…” Steel colored eyes glanced up at his own. “The rabbit… I have something just like that…” The blonde watched as Haise rolled up the sleeve of his right arm until the image of a blonde rabbit sitting on the bottom of a half moon was present on the investigator’s skin. “I…I’ve always had it, I think. I don’t remember much about my life or even when I got this. We’ve got something in common though, huh?”

  
 _This is Kaneki_ , Hide thought to himself. He eyed the blonde rabbit tattoo without a single doubt in his mind at the revelation he came to.

  
“I have a sun on my other arm…”

  
“The sun and the moon… and two rabbits. Guess we were meant to meet.” Haise gave him a soft smile and reached into his pocket. He pulled out a pen and reached for Hide’s hand, scribbling a phone number on his inner palm. “Maybe when we’re not so busy with work… we can get to know each other.”

  
“Y-yeah… I would love that.” He returned the smile as Haise waved before sauntering down the hallway.

  
His bird returned to him after all.


End file.
